Dear Bryce #006

Welcome to Dear Bryce! This is the Nine Muses advice column where I (Bryce Dallas Howard) humbly respond to your questions about navigating the entertainment industry and beyond. If you’re wondering how to balance life and work, seeking answers about the storytelling and filmmaking process, or just want to know more about a favorite past or upcoming project, stay tuned for more of Dear Bryce! 

This week, a reader asks… 

What is the best (and least annoying) way to convert lovely but small working relationships into a longer-term interaction?

What I love about this thoughtful question is that it already addresses one fundamental step to building any relationship: intentionality. 

Healthy relationships are not transactional; they are not about what you can get from someone else. Rather, they are about mutual care, support, and respect. And that foundation is key to building any professional relationship. 

But let’s say you have that foundation — what do you do next? It’s a tricky circumstance that at some point or another we’ll have to face in order to grow our network. And even more than tricky, it can feel awkward. It’s like asking a person on a date. You don't know if the other person feels the same way as you, but you have to take a leap of faith in order to find out.

Now before I continue, I want to make it clear that any comparisons to familial or romantic relationships are only for figurative purposes. Always establish and honor professional boundaries! 

So when it comes to developing a casual interaction into a more long-term and meaningful relationship, here are some key principles to guide you in that process”

In terms of who you’re reaching out to, I highly recommend deepening the relationships with your peer group first. These are the people you want to build and grow with. 

And then if you’re seeking a mentor (someone who is a generation ahead of you in age, experience, career, etc.), check for yourself if this is the right time. Mentors are very busy, so don’t ask them questions that you could research or ask anyone else. For instance, if someone asks me, “How do I become an actor,” I can tell that they haven’t done their research. But if they approach me with, “I’m passionate about emerging technology but I also want to be an actor. As I’m preparing to pitch a short film, how do I present myself in a way that recognizes my multi-hyphenacy?” — I know immediately that they’re thinking critically and have an understanding of what advice I can specifically offer. 

I’ll also add that for mentors, ask yourself why you want to be mentored by this person. Mentors will feel safer with you when your intention is rooted in an honest mission as opposed to a desire to seek out proximity to power. Imagine if you could never tell others about the mentorship, would you still want to do it? Mentorship is a private journey and an opportunity for guidance; as soon as it’s about vanity, then there’s manipulation and pressure involved, and that’s not healthy for any relationship. 

All to say, find the peers or mentors that you’re confident you could have a genuine exchange with and keep it real.

Once you have that person in mind, there are two ways in which I’ve found success in the past with this (i.e. the other person responds and we start to “date.”):

1. Offer support. How can you be helpful? What does the person need that you could raise your hand to take off their plate? Sincerely offering this kind of contribution is a highly impactful but low stakes way to gauge if the person wants to take that next step with you. It’s a gesture that signals to the person that you will show up for them. I think about it like when two people kiss; one person takes a step in and the other person closes the distance. By offering help, you’re taking the step and giving the other person the opportunity to reciprocate. 

2. Ask to give or receive feedback. Is there a project they would like another perspective on or unofficial help with? Do you have a project that you are seeking specific feedback on? This is another way of “dating” or allowing the other person to get to know you in an informal capacity to see if there’s a shared language (which is key for any relationship). 

Whether you’re offering support or exchanging feedback, what’s important is that if you’re asking someone for anything or taking a relationship to the next level, be clear on what the opportunity is for the other person. You should be able to articulate your unique offering. Is it that you have a specific set of skills that support the person’s mission? Do you share similar passions and have knowledge of resources? Do you know folks in common? Are you able to volunteer?

Now for the exceptions: 

If there is something specific you want  in the immediate future, other than a relationship, be open and transparent otherwise the person will feel manipulated. Do this early on and be real about what your needs are. For example, “I’m looking to discuss your company’s project mandate because I am inspired by your mission and would love to find a way to be of service.”

If that feels too direct or like a big ask, another way to approach is: “I really respect you and would love to work with your company, but I don’t want you to feel pressure. Is there anyone that you work with who I should speak to about potential opportunities?” This framing makes it easy for the other person to say “no” but also keeps the door open in terms of the relationship because you didn’t put the pressure on them. 

What this all comes down to is: mean what you say and say what you mean, and (ideally) deepen your relationship before you need anything. It’ll take a touch of extroversion and possibly getting outside of your comfort zone, but find what feels genuine. People can sense when there’s an agenda and what you don’t want to do is put them outside of their comfort zone.

And if you realize that it’s too early for this kind of engagement or that you don’t have anything to offer at this time, encouraging the other person is just as valuable. You can say something along the lines of, “I love your work and align with your creative values. If there’s anything I can do for you, here’s what I specialize in and here’s my info. There’s no pressure to respond — just want you to know that you’re doing inspiring work.” Showing that kind of support, empowerment, and love goes a long way. 

I hope these are helpful considerations as you begin the next stage of your relationship. This process takes time and effort but know that it’ll make the connection all the more organic and long-lasting. Wishing you all the best!

xo
bdh

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