Dear Bryce #003

Welcome to Dear Bryce! This is the Nine Muses advice column where I (Bryce Dallas Howard) humbly respond to your questions about navigating the entertainment industry and beyond. If you’re wondering how to balance life and work, seeking answers about the storytelling and filmmaking process, or just want to know more about a favorite past or upcoming project, stay tuned for more of Dear Bryce! 

This week, a reader asks… 

As a mother of 3 (one under 2), it can be very hard to balance writing, editing, and filmmaking whilst trying to have a semblance of life in between all of that. There isn’t enough awareness of parents in film or much help… can you offer some tips on raising children, making time for work and just hoping all that work leads to a more balanced life?! From one mum to another, I thank you!

Last week, the honorable Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson made a powerful statement during her Supreme Court confirmation hearing. After introducing her family in attendance, Jackson turned her attention to daughters Talia and Leila saying, “Girls, I know it has not been easy as I have tried to navigate the challenges of juggling my career and motherhood. And I fully admit that I did not always get the balance right.” I found this public acknowledgment to be so meaningful as a parent of two kids and I share this with you in case it brings you solace. 

Now for the practicalities of the balancing act (because “balanced” is a fixed state and let’s be real, there are periods of life that are closer to the dream stasis and other times that are further away)... 

1. Invest in Childcare

When I had my first kid, I put so much pressure on myself to do and be everything for my kids — to be the soccer mom, the PTA mom, the home-chef mom, the read-to-my-kids-every-night mom, the shows-up-for-every-school-event mom – and it was impossible to live up to those self (and societal) imposed expectations.

I’ve been open about my struggles with postpartum depression. It took years to feel and function like myself again, and for that reason I had a lot of fears going into my second pregnancy. There was the logistical juggle of it all, but also the pressures to make a living while being a present partner and parent. I realized that my fears consistently boiled down to believing that I wasn’t going to be able to handle it all and also be okay. 

So ahead of deciding to try for a second child,  I had one condition: that we would send our second child to daycare as soon as we felt she could handle it. Because I knew that without reliable full-time support, I simply couldn’t do it. My husband was supportive of this and my first phone call after giving birth in 2012 was to the daycare center – now that my daughter was born, we could “officially apply.” She was officially enrolled by the time she was 4 months old. 

To this day, childcare is one of the best decisions we made as working parents. 

Early in my second pregnancy I read a wonderful book by Amy Tiemann called Mojo Mom. I’ll never forget the advice she imparted to “get as much childcare as you can reasonably afford.” Before then, I felt like I failed as a parent if I needed childcare, and even when I did get childcare, I felt like a failure as a business person because we consistently didn’t make a profit as a family because of our childcare expenses. 

Though we never want to spend above our means, I follow Tiemann’s advice to this day. My children are now 10 and 15 and every year since having them, the largest expense in our lives is childcare. Sometimes it feels like all my money goes toward childcare. But now I see childcare as the number one investment I can make in my kids. Get as much childcare as you can reasonably afford. There is no shame in it. 

2. Carve out Hiding Time

“Hiding time: is my greatest luxury, and while it’s difficult to not feel guilty about it, it’s a crucial aspect of my personal family-work balance. When I start to feel overwhelmed, sure thing it’s because I haven’t had any hiding time. 

Whether it’s 2 hours or 2 minutes, hiding time is an opportunity to recharge and catch my breath. What’s key for me is that this time is screen-free, people-free, and interruption-free. It’s time dedicated to being alone with my thoughts – because a family-work balance is about not only finding the time to balance responsibilities, but having the energy to do so. 

I often find hiding time when I’m in the bathroom or laundry room, and sometimes I’ll put a sign on my bedroom door that says, “Please do not enter.” These stolen moments feel like my power is being restored much like a video game character. Blip… blip… blip… and now I’m no longer on the last little bar of life.

3. Share Work with Your Family

Granted this is not always possible (and was easier in pre-COVID times), but as much as I can, I like to make my kids feel a part of my work and process as a storyteller. Instead of keeping the spheres separate, creating scenarios in which the two can converge is like getting to have my cake and eat it too.

For example, when I’m in an edit session, I have my kids watch a little bit of the cut. And when I’m filming long hours on set, I take pictures or videos that describe my day and send it to them. I also like to share the challenges that I’m facing at work and then follow up afterward to share how it all resolved. (This is something my parents did with me as a child that I really appreciated and made me feel a part of and invested in my Dad's work and world. My parents were inclusive and genuinely wanted to hear my creative feedback.) My husband will also run his story ideas by our daughter to get her instincts and feedback (she’s gonna make a great executive one day).

Because even if you don’t have a day dedicated to spending time with your kids, little moments add up and make a big impact. 

4. Remember It’s Not Forever

When I was struggling with the very question of balance, a friend reminded me that this stage of life when kids are living at home does not last forever. Yes, the parenting marathon never ends, but there are chapters and seasons and they all require different skills and degrees of engagement. The young years are physically exhausting, the teen years are emotionally exhausting, the early adult years (18-25) can run the gamut from frustration with adult children to blissfully enjoying your freedom whilst looking forward to grandchildren (so I hear). 

I’m not going to tell you that because this isn’t forever that you should savor it, or appreciate it, or feel grateful for it – that’s happening in the background no matter what. You love your kids. Instead, I’m gonna suggest you do everything you can to nurture and nourish yourself during each of these chapters. You are also human and while burnout is unfortunately common, it’s difficult to recover from and it’s not a badge of honor. Like anything, prevention is the best medicine. Take care of yourself Mama – be your own mother. Ask yourself, “How are you going to mother yourself today?”

So from one mum to another, you got this! 

xo
bdh

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